网考托福有机英语：学生写作第二题批注参考样

文章作者 100test 发表时间 2008:03:29 13:56:45
来源 100Test.Com百考试题网

网考托福写作部分有两题，第1题为综合题（Integrated Task），先看一段课文，然后听一段课堂讲座。第2题为独立题（Independent Task），根据自己的知识和经验答题。本页的的样题是第2题，独立题。底下是英语中心一名学生的答案，以及中心美国总部给的批注：

Topic

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents are the best teachers. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

1. Original text

Children are shouldering the future of human beings, so how to offer the best education to the younger generation is always the central issue of people. Some people say parents are the best teachers for their offspring, while others argue that parents would probably spoil their kids out of immense love. As for me, I harbor the idea that parents serve as the best teachers in that they can offer reasonable advice with an eye to the benefits of their children.

To begin with, parents can advise wisely to their children in that they are far more experienced. Parents are the firm backup when the children come across certain problem, which once was the obsession of parents. As a result, the advice from parents is the best cure. For example, when a girl experiences the menses for the first time and is horrified by the change of her body, her mother would calm her down and patiently explain why it happens. And the daughter could face it calmly and feel like a grown-up. From the parents, the children can learn a lot.

Another important reason is that parents would always view the situation for the benefit of their offspring. The children would face many hard choices in their daily life, at least for them. For example, most of the children do not know how to effectively arrange their timetable, and the consequence is that they have to face a lot of unsolved things at the same time, such as unfinished homework and a coming party throw by their best friends. I once came across the same dilemma, my father gave me an option, I could go to the party first and come home earlier to finish my homework. At this time, the suggestion from parents is always the most reasonable and considerate.

Even though some parents failed to handle the education of children well and spoiled them, the majority of parents are capable, experienced and considerate teachers. And for children, parents play an essential role in their way to grown-ups. To sum up, I strongly maintain the statement that parents are the best teachers.

2. Marked-up text and comments

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Parents are the best Best teachersTeachers

Children are shouldering the responsibility for the future of humanity beings, and so how to offer the best education to the younger generation is always the a central concern.issue of people. Some people say parents are the best teachers for their offspring, while others argue that parents would probably spoil their kids out of immense love. As for me, I harbor the idea view that parents serve as the best teachers in that they can offer reasonable advice with an eye to the benefits of their children.

To begin with, parents can advise wisely advise their to their children becausein that they are far more experienced. Parents are a solid source of support for childrenthe firm backup when they the children come across certain problems—problems , whichthat were once faced by the once was the obsession of parents. As a result, the advice from parents is the always practical and timely.best cure. For example, when a girl experiences the menses for the first time and is horrified by the change of her body, her mother would can calm her down and patiently explain why it happens. And the daughter could can face it calmly and feel like a grown-up. From the parents, the children can learn a lot.

Another important reason way in which parents can be instructive is that parents would always view the a situation for with their children’s best interest in mind.the benefit of their offspring. Young peopleThe children would face many hard choices in their daily life, at least in their own eyes.for them. For example, most of the children do not know how to effectively arrange their timetable, and the consequence is that they have to face a lot of unresolved things at the same time, such as unfinished homework and a coming party party being thrown by their best friends. I once came acrosspersonally experienced the same dilemma, whereupon my father gave me a potential solution:n option, I could go to the party first and but had to come home earlier early to finish my homework. At this timeIn situations like these, the suggestions from parents is are always the most reasonable and considerate.

Even though some parents failed to handle the education of children well and spoiled them, the majority of parents are capable, experienced and considerate teachers. And for children, parents play an essential role in modeling the way that in their way to grown-ups should behave. To sum up, I strongly concur with tmaintain the statement that parents are the best teachers.

Comments on this essay:

1) Organization: Good. Excellent thesis statement, which I have underlined for clarity: Thesis statements are our “road map” for the rest of the essay. The two lines of reasoning used to support the thesis statement could be more clearly delineated (they seem to blur together, as each talk about the “experience of the parents.”) The examples were fine. The conclusion could be a bit tighter in terms of recapping the arguments, but it was great to see the additional support thrown in (“adults serving as models for grown-up behavior”)—as that is a good thing to do in conclusions.

2) Language: Good. I could easily follow the meaning, even though the choice of words was not always idiomatic. Note the word changes that I have suggested in the revision. With regard to variety of vocabulary, it was fine, but can be further improved with experience. The syntactic variety was fine.

3) Targeted areas for improvement: Continue to work on clarity of expression and word choice that is precise. There were a few phrases that I could guess your meaning, but could have been more clearly expressed in English, for example:

Parents are the firm backup when the children come across certain problem, which once was the obsession of parents.

I could not quite understand what “the obsession of parents” meant. This type of language could be improved by better choice of words (“obsessed” usually has a negative connotation, e.g., “He’s obsessed with gambling.”), but also “which….” relative clause needs to be very precisely worded. I made a suggested revision in wording for this sentence, but am not sure if I captured your intended meaning:

Parents are a solid source of support for children when they come across certain problems—problems that were once faced by the parents.

3. Cleaned-up text

Children shoulder the responsibility for the future of humanity, and so how to offer the best education to the younger generation is always a central concern. Some people say parents are the best teachers for their offspring, while others argue that parents would probably spoil their kids out of immense love. As for me, I harbor the view that parents serve as the best teachers in that they can offer reasonable advice with an eye to the benefits of their children.

To begin with, parents can wisely advise their children because they are far more experienced. Parents are a solid source of support for children when they come across certain problems—problems that were once faced by the parents. As a result, advice from parents is always practical and timely. For example, when a girl experiences menses for the first time and is horrified by the change of her body, her mother can calm her down and patiently explain why it happens. And the daughter can face it calmly and feel like a grown-up. From parents, children can learn a lot.

Another important way in which parents can be instructive is that parents always view a situation with their children’s best interest in mind. Young people face many hard choices in their daily life, at least in their own eyes. For example, most children do not know how to effectively arrange their timetable, and the consequence is that they have to face a lot of unresolved things at the same time, such as unfinished homework and a coming party being thrown by their best friends. I once personally experienced the same dilemma, whereupon my father gave me a potential solution: I could go to the party first but had to come home early to finish my homework. In situations like these, suggestions from parents are always the most reasonable and considerate.

Even though some parents fail to handle the education of children well and spoil them, the majority of parents are capable, experienced and considerate teachers. And for children, parents play an essential role in modeling the way that grown-ups should behave. To sum up, I strongly concur with the statement that parents are the best teachers.